Entry #7

 540 B.C

  

   Now being employed for Kamaswami, I am a wealthy man. I take privilege to Kamala’s intimate company.  Business is just a game to me. I am good at it though. I’m good with words so I always do my business well. Kamaswami admires that in me and he takes full advantage of my talents. My perspective on the world has changed and I know because I feel superior to all those who desire only the richest life style. I cannot retract these feelings so I push them aside.

   I look like a wealthy merchant, wear the finest of everything, eat only the riches foods, watch dancers, and I gamble. My spirituality has died and I only desire more…

   I start to notice wrinkles embedded into Kamala’s still beautiful face and an array of gray hairs on my head. I dreamt of Kamala seeking interest in Gotama’s teachings and persuade her to ignore them because of my own reasons. In another dream Kamala’s golden song bird passes and I throw it out, just like how I wasted all my spiritual self. I realized the voice inside me that led me to begin this journey of enlightenment has me silent for too long.

   I was up upset so I went to meditate and figure everything out. I was distracted from my main goal, finding nirvana. The city life has destroyed all my progress. I was oblivious to what was happening while I drank and enjoyed the limelight. I realized my relationship with Kamala was nothing. It taught me love but that cannot bring me to enlightenment so I must leave Kamala at once. I now see all this city life was nothing but the game, and only the game, of Samsara.

   I know Samsara is not a choice but I do not intend to play it forever. I have made the decision to leave without notice…

                                        

-Siddhartha